Roo's Musical

 

 

By Roo.

 

I'm kidding, by Thelma Mary Caroline for now.

 

 

 

 

 

At rise:                    A PLAIN STAGE, WITH A WOMAN STANDING IN THE MIDDLE.  THE WOMAN IS DRESSED A LITTLE STRANGELY, WEARING A LARGE                                                SWEATSHIRT, A DRESS, AND JEANS. 

 

CHICO

 

Yo.  My name is .... (GLANCES AT HAND) Chico, and I'll be playing myself in tonight's performance.  But unfortaintly, before we can begin, we have to go over a few (AIR QUOTES) "Rules and Regulations."  But first, let's see a show of hands.  How many people have seen a show before? 

 

(LOOKS AROUND, HER OWN HAND RAISED.)

CHICO

 

Yeah, so pretty much everyone.  So you all know the rules.  If you have to go to the bathroom, now's the time to do it.  (BEAT)  Why is no one moving?  Oh well, at least there won't be a line.

 

(SHE WALKS OFF STAGE.  MOMENTS LATER A FLUSH IS HEARD.  SHE WALKS BACK ON STAGE, A PIECE OF TOLIET PAPER STUCK TO HER SHOE.  SHE STRUGGLES FOR A MOMENT TO GET IT OFF, AND THEN KICKS IT INTO THE AUDIENCE.)

 

CHICO

 

Okay, so now for the rules.

 

PLEASE DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR

AND DON'T WHISPER TO YOUR NEIGHBOR

THE ACTORS HAVE A HARD TIME HEARING

AND SOMETIMES THEY START DISAPPEARING!

 

 

(THERE IS A POOF, AND SMOKE FILLS THE STAGE.  IT CLEARS QUICKLY, REVEILING THAT CHICO IS GONE.  QUICKLY SHE SCRAMBLES BACK ON STAGE.)

 

CHICO

 

I'm just kidding, of course.  This isn't a magic show.

 

AND WE HATE it MORE THAN ANYTHING

WHEN THE AUD'ENCE STARTS TO SING

BUT IF YOU HAVE TO SING ALONG

FIRST LEARN THE LYRICS TO THE SONG

 

Or, you know, just buy the C D.  Then you can sing along at home, or in the shower.  Or whatever.  They're on sale in the lobby and only cost ten dollars each. 

 

DON'T TAKE PICS WITH CAMERA PHONES, PLEASE

IT SEEMS TO MAKE THE ACTORS SNEEZE

AND ALSO PLEASE DON'T BE A GOOB

THIS SHOULD NOT END UP ON YOUTUBE

 

Because I, personally, do not want to see myself on the internet.  Thank you.

 

PLEASE TRY REAL HARD NOT TO COUGH

AND TURN YOUR (GOD DAMN/RINGING) CELL PHONES OFF

AND IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN TVS

THEN TURN THEM OFF, NO DVDS

 

(MAN WALKING DOWN AISLE CARRYING LARGE TV GROANS LOUDLY.  HE TURNS AROUND AND LEAVES.)

 

CHICO

 

DON'T THROW FOOD AT US IN HASTE

DON'T LET TOMATOS GO TO WASTE

IF YOU JUST DON'T LIKE THE SHOW

THEN WALK ON OUT, THAT LETS US KNOW

 

(Ten or fifteen people get up and leave.)

 

CHICO

 

SINCE THIS IS A NEW SENSATION

WE WOULD LIKE A LONG OVATION

AND EVEN AT THE SMALLEST PAUSE

THE ACTORS LIKE A LARGE APPLAUSE

 

(Everything goes silent suddenly.  If nothing happens, Chico starts clapping.)

 

END SCENE UNO